an open letter to jon acuff

Dear Jon,

I’ve always wanted to write a letter that started off like that so thanks for the opportunity. I guess I just thanked you for being named Jon. That’s ok. I’m good like that.

You recently wrote a piece for CNN titled: My Take: How to scandal proof your church I’m writing to tell you that for a funny man, you sure brought it in a real, high-def, dirt under the fingernails kind of way. Who says stuff like: “…we’ve got to make it ok to fail…we’ve got to give the gift of going second…love them enough to tell them things they don’t want to hear…we all take small steps toward the big, dumb decisions we make…” Jon Acuff, that’s who. And God. The funny thing is, even if you take God out of it, it’s still true. He’s good like that. I get confused on the difference between funny “ha-ha” and funny “interesting”, which would be funny if it didn’t add to the confusion.

I think the four ways you suggest to keep scandals out of the church could…and should be adopted across all areas of life. Why do I think that? Because if I had learned…if I had lived the things you talk about in that article it’s highly probable I would not have become the walking train wreck of evil I did. Would I be perfect? No. Would it, at the very least, have lessened the pain? Yes. But to live like that takes heart and conviction, and a humongous dosage of personal responsibility. We don’t really like personal responsibility much these days it seems. I know I didn’t. If I’m responsible then when I end up in a cesspool of my own bile all that I can do is go Zeppelin and realize it’s nobody’s fault but mine. I can’t blame, point fingers, and rage against any machines. Well, I can, but it only makes you look like a big gigantic tool. Trust me on that one, kids. Please don’t find out for yourself.

I noticed you’ve received a bit of flack for spinnin’ the truth. I mean, it wasn’t necessarily a Trampoline Moat of Lions, but still… The only appropriate and decent thing to do is quote the man with the two most memorable lines in the history of rap: Fiddy Cent. “We gonna party like it’s yer Berf-day.” That’s memorable. “If they gonna hate, let ‘em hate and watch the money pile up.” That’s pracitally a proverb. (I vote to nominate. Do I have a second?) In this case the loot is irrelevant, so let me paraphrase: “Let ‘em hate.” That’s all I have to say about that.

Oh, and please don’t tell your pal Dave Matthews I referred to loot as irrelevant. He may decide to pull a David Blaine and make me disappear like a 401k. Dave Ramsey. Don’t tell Dave Ramsey. I can’t keep up.

Since this is an open letter if you didn’t click-through using the link earlier you can click here to see some preliminary comments by Jon as well: Acuff slings the truth on CNN (I invented that title, by the way.)

Will Jon Acuff ever read this? Does Dave Ramsey think I just busted on him? If Jack Bauer, William Wallace, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, and Jon Acuff step outside for a street fight who will be the one that walks back in victorious? All these questions are above my pay grade. Should you read the article, regardless of your religious beliefs? Yes. Yes you should. And I hope you do.

I’ve never written an open letter to anyone. Is this the part where I quote Katy Perry? Do we really want to surpass v-necks and skinny jeans and move right to skin-tight jeans and teenage dreams? Not really. Is it awkward in here?

Well, if you’re Jon Acuff and you’re reading this, I was right about who walked back in from that street fight carrying the title belt. If you’re not Jon Acuff and you’re reading this…go read some more Jon Acuff. He’s a funny, funny man with mad skills at keeping it real.

This is the best closing I could come up with:

Unicorns, rainbows, razzle dazzle, and bacon flavored bubble gum…



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Filed under 2011

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